


You've Left Me Here To Drown

by awesomems, ExceptionalWobbles



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, feelings suck, love is shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-27 19:10:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10040546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomems/pseuds/awesomems, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExceptionalWobbles/pseuds/ExceptionalWobbles
Summary: Sometimes, you feel like you can't go on.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a fic where I can vent my emotions and project my feelings onto an OC, which is a pretty good coping mechanism for me.
> 
> Some background information about the characters:  
> The character writing in normal text is named Mariana, which is shortened to Mari, and she's going through some tough times.  
> The character writing in italics is named Penelope, sometime shortened to Lupe, sometimes not. She really cares about Mari.  
> Will the relationship develop into something more?
> 
> Title from My Nightmare by Get Scared

I can’t anymore. My life is crashing down, imploding in on itself. For starters, the feeling of love can just go fuck itself. I don’t need it putting additional pressure on my already anxious and depressed self. Yet here it is, making me even more confused then I was before. People who love each other in my friend group is like a tangled web of unrest. The worst part is, I don’t even know anymore how they  _ actually  _ feel about me. I might be nice if I could believe the things they say, but I feel like they’re lying to me. Maybe it’s my Self-Hatred talking, but it feels like, despite all the things they say, that they actually can’t stand me, and are just too nice to cut ties. I understand, too. I can’t stand myself either. I never know what’s troubling the people I’m closest to, I’m completely oblivious to it. It’s probably because I’m too selfishly preoccupied with my own “problems.” They’re not even legitimate ones. They have actual genuine issues that have decently reasonable stems. Whereas my “troubles” are frivolous and popped out of nowhere. I would save them the heartache if I left. If I left their lives so that they didn’t have to deal with me anymore. So that no one has to. I’m a burden on them all, and it would be so much better off that way. 

 

You. I can’t put this on you. I’ll be leaving soon, anyway, so you have no need to worry. It’ll all be over for me soon, and then you can move on with your life. But before I go, I want to apologize. I’m sorry for pestering you when you were fine. I’m sorry for not getting the hints. I’m sorry for bringing you pain. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for this. Goodbye. 

 

Tell me how you feel. It’s probably not a great feeling, and I probably caused that, so I apologize. While love may be a pain in the ass, it does tie us together. It holds those separating from going too far. It pulls those standing still closer. It holds. And it cannot be killed. I wonder if that’s what we have. That kind of love that’s interminable. The kind that will always be there. I wish that’s what we had. You make me smile when I feel like crying. You keep me alive when I feel like dying. So maybe I would like to stay. Just for you. And I hope it will forever stay this way.

 

_ I can’t believe you would ever leave. You’re so good at bottling up your emotions. I mean I am good to but I’m just sad. sad that you always care for other people when you don’t care for yourself. I want to help. But how? I love you. Just stay. I will help you. You will be happy. Only if you just stay.  _

 

_ Don’t leave me. I won’t leave you if you don’t leave.  _


	2. Chapter 2

**Mari's POV**

I wake up in sweat after _another_ nightmare. This is bad. I'm sleeping in bed next to Penelope, and I don't know how I've gotten this far. How does she put up with a mess like me? I manage to get out of bed without her waking up. I've done this so many times I don't even have to try to not make noise, I just don't. I make my way to the bathroom and shut the door. I grab the blade. Lupe wouldn't want me to do this, she doesn't know though. I tried so hard, for her, but I couldn't stay away. I stare at the angry grid of scars that run across my thighs, and I add a few more lines. I shouldn't be doing this, but it's the only thing I've found so far. I know this isn't healthy, and I have no excuse for my actions. For now, I clean up the blood and try to go back to sleep. I can't believe I've made it this far. With Lupe. With life. Most people would say I should feel happy about this, but I still feel like I'm not good enough, no matter how hard I try. Like I don't deserve any of this. I think I know why: because I'm not, and I don't. I don't deserve to have such an amazing girlfriend, I don't deserve to be at this school on a scholarship. I try to be good enough but to no avail. Tomorrow’s another day.

I wake up the next morning to Lupe tapping me on the shoulder.

“ _Ay, Lupita, ya_.”

“I need to ask you something.”

“What?”

“Have you been cutting again?”

I was not expecting that. I thought I was being discreet! There goes that I guess. “I-uh… It just kinda happen. Please don't be mad or anything, I just…”

“I would never be mad at you, ever. I just want to see you get better. I love you so much, and it pains me to see that you don't value yourself just as much as I value you. This?” She holds up the razor blade that I’d been using. “You don't need it. We’re going to get you help. How does that sound?”

_You’re making yourself more of a burden than you already are for her. She doesn't need you, you're just another hardship in her life._

“Okay, this is the first step: what's going on in that brilliant mind of yours?”

“I can't. I'm already too much of a hinderance. I can't put my problems on you, it wouldn't be fair. I'm sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. Also, you're _not_ a burden, it brings me joy to be with you. My life used to be terrible, until you walked in it. I'm sitting through another boring first period maths class in the 10th grade, and then the cute new girl walks in. Made my day that much brighter. You're the reason that I'm happy again. Now, why should I be happy if you aren’t? You’re the most incredible person and I am so grateful to have you in my life.”

That actually brought tears to my eyes. I thought the world had sucked all emotion out of me and that I was void of it, but turns out not. She doesn’t mind. She lets me cry.

“No one has ever been so supportive of me as you’ve been. No one has ever believed in me as much as you have. Thank you. People treated me like I was a lost cause, that there was no use in trying to care for me. You’re different.” That was all I was able to get out before the sobs came back. She doesn’t force me to do anything. She just holds me there, close to her. I’ve never felt so safe or loved.

I just lay in bed. My veins feel like they were pulsing with the need to bleed, but I can’t. One, because I’m doing it for the people I care about, which pretty much only includes Lupe, and two, because she took away all the sharp objects we had. She was probably in the right for doing that, I was slightly upset at first, but I remember that it’s not a healthy coping mechanism. And then Lupe woke up. She asked what was wrong right now. I answered “I feel like hurting myself again.”

“ _Ay, Mariana, Te quiero mucho. No tienes ni idea de cuánto te echaría de menos si morías o me dejaste. Cuando sonríes, me deshago, y estoy lleno de pura alegría, y cómo soy tan afortunado de haberlo encontrado. La sensación de ver a mi amor en tanto dolor no es_ _divertida para mí_ _agradable. Deseo, que pueda probarle que usted no necesita traerse daño. Te quiero mucho._ ” The spanish got to me. It’s both of our first languages, after all. I start crying.

“Lu, _por favor no hagas esto, sé que estás mintiendo_ ,”

“That’s not true! Why won't you ever listen to me! Just trust me! You are worth everything!” she says exasperated.

“You are lying,”

“I’m just trying to help,”

“I never asked for your help!” I yell.

“Fine! I’m just trying to be a good girlfriend!” she shouts and slams my bedroom door. I hear crying from the other side of the door and I start writing.

_Dear Lupe,_

_I’m sorry it had to be this way, this was never intended. I never meant to bring you emotional harm, I never meant for you to feel like you had to care about me. I’m not worth any of it. Sometimes it ends. I’ve lost control, but I’m not going to wait for someone to save me. I was being a jerk but I just love you so much and I can’t bear to see you put yourself through work to help me. So this is it. I loved the times we shared together, but nothing good ever lasts. 〜 Mari_

**Lupe's POV**

I read the note. It won’t be that easy.

_No. If you don’t trust me how can I be your girlfriend._

I slip the note under her door.

**Mari's POV**

She’s right.

_Fine. You are right. I will just leave. It will be better that way. It’s always better without me._

I know where she hid the blade. She thought I wouldn’t know, but I was watching. I get it back and in the process there’s already a cut on my palm. I sit back down and in my shaking hands hold the blade over the skin of my wrist. I can see the vein, I just have to make sure I cut deep.

**Lupe's POV**

I burst through the door and cry.

“P-please no. Please don’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please.”

The blood has already begun its stream across the floor, and she’s already starting to lose consciousness. I call 911.

“911, what’s your emergency?

“My- my girlfriend. We were in a fight and she tried- she tried to- to” I can’t finish but the operator says that they’re heading over. I nod in answer though they can’t see me. I hold Mari’s hand above her heart and cry, “Stay alive. They’re coming. Just for you. They love you.”

“No, they love you,” she mumbles as she tries to regain strength.

“No, please, stop. Save your strength. I’m sorry for everything I said earlier I didn’t mean any of it nonono pleasepleaseplease…” Right then and there is where I actually had the thought: She might die. My Mariana might die, by her own hand, and it would be all my fault. She is unconscious now and I place a kiss on her forehead. “For me, stay alive”. Just then the paramedics burst into the apartment, and they wheel Mari into the ambulance.  

“Can I come?”

“No,”

“But-”

“Listen, I have saved many lives and I’m going to save this one. Mariana isn’t in condition to talk right now. You will see her at the hospital,” I am about to run into the ambulance when my sister catches my arm.

“Lucía?”

“I came, I heard it from Nico.”

“Oh,”

“You can’t go in that truck,”

She can’t do it. As much as she loves Mari, Mari can’t take her right now.

“I’ll drive you to the hospital,”

So she does. I have to wait, however. In the waiting room. That’s what they were made for, waiting. So I wait. Wait until Mari is ready for visitors. Wait until I see if she is alive or dead. Wait to see at how angry she’ll be at me. Wait to break up with her. Wait. Wait. Wait. Finally the doctor says, “She’s ready,” I walk in the room and I look at her sleeping. There are monitors beeping all around her. She’s hooked up to an IV, and she has an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose. Lucía is waiting in the waiting room. I’m thankful my older sister is here. I focus back on Mari. I hold her lifeless hand.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I can’t look at you and not feel like torturing myself. I did this to you. I can’t make that mistake again. I love you too much to be your girlfriend. I need to find someone else. Start fresh. A new chapter. You deserve someone so much  better than me. And someone is out there for you. And for me too. It’s just not you. You are not my chosen one and I’m not yours. I’m sorry,” I whisper. I press my lips into her hand knowing it’s going to be the last time my lips touch her. She stirs.

“But I love you” I hear her murmur.

“Mari. If you can hear me squeeze my hand,” I feel a slight tug. I start crying.

“I’m sorry, Mari. There is someone else out there for me. It’s not you,” I say as I leave the room, happy that I was the first one to hear her talk. confirming that the heart rate that was shown on the screen is real. That she is real. That she is alive. That I saved her. But then I was the one to break her heart. I know I’m doing the right thing no matter how much it hurts. I want to forget Mari. Forget the monster I was. Forget the pain I caused her. Forget her. Everything. I would rather have no memories than have the one of the pain I caused her.  

I told Lucía everything.

“What the fuck? She was the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You threw her away!”

“Look, this isn’t a choice. I’m a danger to Mari. She literally almost died because of me. I can’t have that. I loved her. So I let her go.” Lucí shrugs and lets me fall into her embrace.

I won’t bother her tonight.

I am packing my bags. Moving out of this dorm. I’ll live with Lucía instead. Just not  Mari. I will literally do anything if it means leaving Mari. I’m over her. I can’t be with her. I even started dating this guy named Calvin. He’s great. I think he might be my one. It’s not Mari. All I can think of is her, but no. Calvin. I’m dating Calvin. To further assure my feelings for him I’ve gone along and moved in with him. Now I’m definitely over Mari. No one can bring me back to her.

I’m back home. Lupe’s gone. She’s afraid of me but I can’t tell her anything. I’m so stupid. I tried to kill myself, but I was unsuccessful. Why me? There were so many other dying people in that hospital and yet I was the one who survived. I wish Lupe were here. I mean Penelope. She is now Penelope. I am in the grocery store when I bump into her. She looks me dead in the eye and whispers, “Hi Mariana,”

“Hi Penelope, I wanted you to know that it wasn’t your fault but either way I forgive you,” We are robots talking to each other, “Um, why don’t you come over,” I suggest.

“Yeah, sure,” she responds trying to sound normal.

 _What am I doing? I’m dating someone. I can’t do this._ I break away Mari’s kisses and even though I’m pressed to the bed I manage to squiggle away.

“Look Mari, we can be friends or whatever but I’m dating someone. Yes the moment we walked in here I fell in love again but I’m in love with someone else and there’s nothing you can do about it,” I toss my shirt over my head which is my only piece of clothing that is missing. I take a cab home and think. I don’t love Mari.

I’m on a date with Calvin when I get a text.

meet me at my house tonight i got the new hp board game and im dying to play it  

I make an excuse and head over to Mari’s house.

“Hey,”

“Hi,” We play the game all night and then we sleep next to each other. Mari has her hand scooped around my waist. Just like old times.

**Lupe's POV**

“Calvin. I love someone else,”

“I know,”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I’m lucky. With Mari back I knew you would be gone. I’m lucky to get a couple months with you,”

“And you’re not mad?”

“No. You two were meant for each other,”

“Thanks,” And I head over to tell Mari. I am happy when I am sleeping and I turn around to see her face.

**Mari's POV**

And I am happy to see her face.

**Lucía's POV**  


And I’m happy to see them happy.

**Calvin's POV**

They are meant for each other. She never had a chance with me. I’m happy that they’re happy.

**EVERYONE ALL AT ONCE**

_And we are all happy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do speak Spanish, but it's not my first language so there may be some things that are wrong, but here are the translations as I know them:
> 
> "Ay, Mariana, Te quiero mucho. No tienes ni idea de cuánto te echaría de menos si morías o me dejaste. Cuando sonríes, me deshago, y estoy lleno de pura alegría, y cómo soy tan afortunado de haberlo encontrado. La sensación de ver a mi amor en tanto dolor no es divertida para mí  
> agradable. Deseo, que pueda probarle que usted no necesita traerse daño. Te quiero mucho.” = Oh, Mariana, I love you very much. You have no idea how much I would miss you if you died or left me. When you smile, I fall apart, and am filled with pure joy, and how lucky I am to have found you. The feeling of seeing my love in so much pain is not very pleasant. I wish, that I can prove to you that you need not bring harm to yourself. I love you so much.
> 
> "Por favor no hagas esto, sé que estás mintiendo." = Please don't say that, I know you're lying.


End file.
